I just finished putting together the mother of all beds. The bed, I promise you, created by Lucifer himself. Forged in the depths of hell by his posse of minions, this bed came with screws galore and, quite possibly, the WORST instructions I have ever seen. Horrible, nasty, god awful instructions… 15 pages of inscrutable, backwards directions.

So here’s the ad:

WANTED: One handyman.
When: ASAP, or, whenever I buy new furniture or need the trash emptied (and the trashcan protected).
Requirements: Must be strong, able to wear cute shorts (i.e., nice calves, ass, etc.), preferably brilliant (I need to be entertained when you put the furniture together, duh) and must always put the seat down.
Preference given to: Those who can cook and give massages.
Compensation: Depends on how good you look in the shorts.. 😉

My hands hurt. I have a headache and it’s taken me about five hours to put this damn bed together. And I have pieces left over, so god knows it’s probably not actually put together.

Sigh.

I’m so glad my dad is coming to visit me in eight days. 🙂

I bought a very nice new bedframe the other day at IKEA. It’s nice, yes?

After trucking it home and hauling all three boxes, a giant silver bar and a stack of slats up my stairs, I decided I was done for Sunday. No big deal, the new mattress doesn’t arrive until Wednesday.

Last night I started putting together the monstrosity—using 15 pages of instructions.

On step two, I encountered a wee problem. A screw was supposed to be screwed into the wooden baseboard using a washer and some other twisty device that they provided. It worked fabulously on one side, but not-so-much on the other side. The washer refused to come off of the screw. (A double screw, with different thread widths on each side.)

After begging for help and instructions via email and phone, attempting to ice the screw and heat the washer at the same time and a jigger of vodka, I gave up.

I was beaten by step two. Oh the overwhelming shame.

Now I must go to Home Depot today and convince a nice man in an orange apron to unscrew the washer from the screw. Or just to buy a new screw.

I got my damn ass kicked by IKEA. Not cool.

Out-of-office emails. Do you know what I’m talking about? The emails that people set up when they go on vacation—typically says, “I will be out of office until…. Please contact… etc.” We publish a newsletter three times a week and an update once a week to a rather large email list. Imagine the number of out-of-office emails that I get. Argh.

People who steal trashcans. Obviously.

My upstairs neighbor, who decided to start building a new bathroom (or something) at 5AM. There was hammering, lots and lots of hammering. And a chainsaw, I swear to god.

The Amazing Race, because they ALWAYS have at least one (this year three) annoying groups of people. It’s family edition this time around, and I swear to god, if I have kids that turn out like some of these kids.. kill me now. One family, mom, dad and two sons—holy shit, every time they came on, I had to change the channel. The anger and animosity caused me physical pain. I hate that. (Of course now I’m addicted to the damn thing and I already have chosen the families I want to win.)

The Internet and blogs. What, you say?! Yes. The Internet and blogs. Because you meet the most incredible people through this damn thing, but you don’t actually get to meet the people. Know what I’m saying? There should be a fund of some kind that provides for people who live whole continents and oceans away to meet in one location and have a damn party. (Something like this song.) Stupid Internet.

Can you tell I’m cranky today? Yes? Good. Please, join me in the ranting.

Last night, admittedly, I had a few drinks and was in a right good mood. Fortunately, I was sober enough (even in the rain), to look for my outside trashcan so I could take it in. It wasn’t there. I looked up and down the street, shrugged and decided I would see it in the morning. It was dark, after all.

I commented on it to a friend, and he said that it probably wasn’t stolen and I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Excellent advice, of course. I do tend to jump to conclusions. So I thought little of it and that was that.

This morning, I looked for my trashcan. It’s a nice one people, almost new, with wheels and handles. Compared to the other trashcans on the street, I most certainly own the winner.

Someone stole it. I am pissed now.

So what do I do? Should I wait until next week and see if someone puts it out? Their garbage in my can.. the horror. Should I creep about behind the houses looking, until someone calls the cops? Should I just assume my landlord took it into her garage? (For what reason, I have no idea, but it is possible I suppose.)

Stupid people stole my trashcan. Grrrr.

UPDATE: They gave it back!

Do you know what sucks? When I can’t sleep and all of you people can.

It’s pouring rain, and outside my bedroom window there is a drainpipe. It makes the most raucous noise and aside from the fact that I had vodka for dinner and am now wired from that, I can’t even attempt to sleep because it’s so darn loud.

It sounds like I live in a waterfall.

I used to want to live in a mushroom (I wanted to be a Smurf), but never a damn waterfall. Mushrooms are quiet. And you’d never go hungry. Snack before bed? Sure, just peel off some wallpaper. Got the munchies while watching TV? No problem, you aren’t using that couch cushion anyway.

I said I was awake, not lucid. 😛

Every time I say goddamn, it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I think that’s why I say it. Every time I pass a church, I sigh. I pass plenty on my way to work. Sometimes I think that’s why I can’t stop smoking. Every time my mom calls on Sunday I know she wants me to tell her I was at church all day, and not getting the oil changed in my car. Sometimes I think she’ll do that every week just in case. Every time I think about the future, I wonder if I’ll end up back in the church. Sometimes I think that’s why I keep running farther away.

I still listen to that music. It still makes me smile—and cry. I still miss him, and I wonder if I ever won’t. I still wake up early on Sunday. I still try not to pray, because I don’t want to be a hypocrite. And because I’m afraid there’s nothing there… and because I’m afraid there’s something there.

It would be so much easier if I just conceded. I can’t shake it. It sticks with me every damn day. It made me who I am and it’s also what I hate. But I don’t believe in it.

Have you ever had a day that starts out wonderful, and then, in a sudden, sharp twist, drops into the gutter? That’s how I feel about today. I slept solid for 12 hours, then I went and got a pedicure with a good friend of mine. (My toes are red and very cute.) Now I’m at home, doing some laundry and finishing up some powerpoints for work. It’s gorgeous outside. The sun is shining and both of my cats are stretched out in patches of sunlight on the floor.

My mom just called.

She’s had optic nerve drusen for years. It’s a condition where the byproducts of the metabolism, like protein and salt deposits, of the optic nerve (in her eyes) builds up on the surface of the optic nerve. When she gave birth to my sister and I, the pressure exerted caused her to lose some of her peripheral vision in both eyes. It’s been worst in her left eye, however. Over the past several years, her left peripheral vision has deteriorated a smidge every year, but not enough to be a real problem. (You can’t sneak up on her left side, or she’ll deck you.)

Apparently she has been realizing this year that her vision is getting worse, so she went and got it checked yesterday—and she was right. Her vision has deteriorated significantly and she has to go see another specialist. At this point they are talking surgery, to stem the liquid that is seeping from her optic nerve which could potentially blind her—something that we hadn’t even expected.

Last summer my dad was diagnosed with anterior ischemic optic neuropathy. He woke up one morning and suddenly he had a small black spot on his vision. He went in immediately, because he thought he had a detached retina (also very bad). They ran several tests and then he went home. The next morning, the spot was bigger. After several MRIs and a battery of tests, they realized it was AION, a condition that cannot be reversed.

It was initially devastating to my dad. You see, he’s a surgeon, and the ability to see is imperative—being a doctor is one of his greatest loves.

It’s been a year and he has about a 20% vision loss in one eye. He can still operate, however, and has compensated remarkably well.

I guess I’m just stressed because my parents are young and healthy and this is just.. hard. I wasn’t there last year when all this happened to my dad, and I’m not there now. I hate being this far away from my family when this kind of shit happens.

Here’s the most fascinating part about Seattle. While it rains most of the time, that rain is normally light and and spritzy. Since I have moved East, I have experienced the worst torrential rainstorms ever in my life—the kind of storms that leave you drenched and the roads flooded. Today is one of those days.

It rained, nay, it poured all. night. long. Couple that with general restlessness, the insider did not get more than five hours of sleep last night. So I am here, at work, at 8:50 AM.

That is so wrong.

I had this whole plan people. Pictures were involved. One was my very adorable cat, and the other is Andy’s new puppy (also, ridiculously adorable). However, do to some sort of FTP malfuckingtion, I am unable to connect to my FTP client. grrrr

I will be calling said client to figure out said problem.. but for now I must do actual work. 😛

So here’s the thing.. I had remarkably good day today. I got done everything I wanted to at work (yay!) and I spent half the day playing comment tag on other blogs.. hehehe. 🙂

THEN, just as I was about to blog about a hysterical conversation I had with my Dad—my Army name is “Eye in the Sky” and he is “Delta Alpha Delta,” whenever he needs me to check the highway cameras where he is.. so cute. 🙂 — I got IM’d by my Uncle.

Oh, that’s nice, you might think. NO. no. no. no. no. He is a very pleasant man—from thousands of miles away. You see, he is a very Christian-Christian… a missionary in China, who didn’t get married until last year (he was 47) and who only got married because the woman (a lovely Chinese lady), was acceptable to his ridiculously long list of specific attributes his wife would have to have.

OK, did that set up this lovely little IM conversation? Good, ’cause here ya go:

Uncle J says: (10:05:13 PM)
   Hello,

theinsider says: (10:05:31 PM)
   Wow, hi Uncle J. How are you?

theinsider says: (10:06:33 PM)
   How is Carmen?

Uncle J says: (10:07:06 PM)
   Fine she just took off to work but we just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary

theinsider says: (10:07:19 PM)
   Oh! Yay! Congratulations

Uncle J says: (10:07:43 PM)
   Yes, praise the Lord. An adventurous but good challenge.

[and in here was a bunch of how’s the family stuff for a few minutes]

Uncle J says: (10:16:27 PM)
   What’s church life like in RI?

theinsider says: (10:17:52 PM)
   Honestly Uncle J, I don’t know.

theinsider says: (10:17:57 PM)
   I haven’t been to church in awhile.

Uncle J says: (10:19:36 PM)
   What do you think of the faith and the Lord of whom your parents value so greatly?

theinsider says: (10:20:11 PM)
   I respect their faith greatly, but I haven’t shared it for a long time.

Uncle J says: (10:22:41 PM)
   You in Romans God says that when people knew God, but chose not to honor God, He (i.e.-God) gave them over to idols. Do you feel that you honor God by your life?

Uncle J says: (10:23:23 PM)
   (sorry, forgot a “know” in the 2nd space there…)

theinsider says: (10:23:34 PM)
   I live a life that honors my family and my upbringing, and I will continue to do so.

Uncle J says: (10:23:58 PM)
   DO you mind such personal questions from me?

theinsider says: (10:24:15 PM)
   No, it’s alright.

theinsider says: (10:24:23 PM)
   Honestly, I had thought my dad would have shared this with you.

Uncle J says: (10:26:53 PM)
   In the Psalms it says twice that it is a follish person who says that there is no God. It clearly says that they have done “abominable things.” May I ask you if there was a time in your youth when you stepped into some kind of sexual sin on purpose or by accident that marked a point of change in your faith?

Uncle J says: (10:27:11 PM)
   (sorry, “foolish”…)

theinsider says: (10:28:23 PM)
   No, there has never been anything like that. Honestly, it is that I struggle to believe in things that I cannot see.

theinsider says: (10:28:50 PM)
   In my mind, I can’t reconcile it.

Uncle J says: (10:29:29 PM)
   In fact I think you believe in many things that you cannot see already, don’t you?

Uncle J says: (10:29:49 PM)
   atoms, light waves, air…

theinsider says: (10:29:56 PM)
   Yes. But I think faith is God is definitely something that is incredibly hard for people

theinsider says: (10:30:15 PM)
   And I am one of them.

Uncle J says: (10:32:43 PM)
   Actually, I have found thatit is normal and easy for young people to believe that there is a God. It is quite ridiculous to imagine that such complexity happens by accident, and even if it did, man is still not able to create a soul, is he? What you have been getting pulled away from is truth and that is why there is a battle that you wrestle with.

Uncle J says: (10:34:11 PM)
   Satan is as real as God is, and he’s allowed here by our ancestor’s foolish choice to to eat some forbidden fruit…I do not blame them, I probably would have done that or more so…

theinsider says: (10:34:44 PM)
   Well, that is a very interesting perspective. To be honest, many that I have come across detail a similar problem as me.

theinsider says: (10:35:10 PM)
   And while I do not discount your faith, or that of anyone, I personally have found it to be something I do not have.

Uncle J says: (10:38:11 PM)
   Imagine (if you may not choose to trust Scripture) that 1/3 of the stars of heaven reflected the number of demonic spirits at Satan’s hand at this time. Imagine that he is not at all divided in his efforts but is supernatural, organized and that he has over 6000 years of experience and that he levies her to kill, steal and destroy. Do your friends and you seem like a surpise in a Church era …

Uncle J says: (10:39:22 PM)
   sits on its blessed assurance? Your choice under God would be this: He could have made you a robot or he could have given us choices. He chose the later, I am glad to say…

theinsider says: (10:40:51 PM)
   Truly, while I respect your faith, I indeed find it hard to swallow myself.

Uncle J says: (10:42:34 PM)
   The Bible teaches theinsider, that it is not because there is not (abundant) evidence that God exists, but that people and even you my dear niece prefer to embrace idols outwardly or inwardly.

theinsider says: (10:44:01 PM)
   Perhaps, but as I am not sure that I believe in what the Bible has to say, I do not feel that I have anything to answer for—in that regard.

Uncle J says: (10:46:44 PM)
   No one knows when our life may end, but I pray the Lord will show extra mercy to you (moreso) that you will know that your next close encounter with death was allowed by God to you as your own personal warning, and I hope not your last one. Either way, I do have a better picture now than the discrete previous prayer requests that your dad conveyed to us in the past.

theinsider says: (10:48:02 PM)
   I am sorry he was discreet.. he needn’t have been. I know this has been quite hard for him. However, knowing his past, I suspect he understands.

Uncle J says: (10:48:23 PM)
   You are probably busy or at else needing to go to bed. May the Lord be gracious to you theinsider, He has been to your dad and me very much already… Bye for now.

theinsider says: (10:48:48 PM)
   Good night.

OK, so I was nice, right? I didn’t insult him—even though I feel insulted? Because honestly, I want to go and smoke a cigarette right now. This brings up lots of stuff—mainly why I moved—and now I am pretty sure hundreds of people around the world are now praying that I will have a near death experience.

I give up.. cigarette and vodka time.