October 4th, 2005wanted: one handyman
I just finished putting together the mother of all beds. The bed, I promise you, created by Lucifer himself. Forged in the depths of hell by his posse of minions, this bed came with screws galore and, quite possibly, the WORST instructions I have ever seen. Horrible, nasty, god awful instructions… 15 pages of inscrutable, backwards directions.
So here’s the ad:
WANTED: One handyman.
When: ASAP, or, whenever I buy new furniture or need the trash emptied (and the trashcan protected).
Requirements: Must be strong, able to wear cute shorts (i.e., nice calves, ass, etc.), preferably brilliant (I need to be entertained when you put the furniture together, duh) and must always put the seat down.
Preference given to: Those who can cook and give massages.
Compensation: Depends on how good you look in the shorts.. 😉
My hands hurt. I have a headache and it’s taken me about five hours to put this damn bed together. And I have pieces left over, so god knows it’s probably not actually put together.
Sigh.
I’m so glad my dad is coming to visit me in eight days. 🙂
I wouldn’t publish that advert if I were you. You’ll probably be flooded with young, handsome applicants who look good in shorts cueing up outside your door.
And yes, the pieces left over is not a good sign :).
Comment by Graham — October 4, 2005 @ 11:30 pm
Screw those leftover pieces.
Fuck ’em I say!
Throw them at cars. Better yet, save them to give to little trick or treaters.
Yeah!
Comment by grampa — October 5, 2005 @ 12:36 am
LOL Man… Dad…it explains everything. NO more sources ?
Comment by me, myself and I — October 5, 2005 @ 1:47 am
I’ll apply.
Comment by Augustus — October 5, 2005 @ 2:05 am
Yes! Great ad, publish it, and the ones you don’t want, you send on to me, OK?
Oh, and bravo for the bed. Unless it all crumbled down during the night, in which case… good luck.
Comment by Anne — October 5, 2005 @ 2:47 am
If you find your handyman, can you ask him if he has a brother?
ps. Don’t tell mr. mac, ok?
Comment by ms. mac — October 5, 2005 @ 2:51 am
Graham… really? You think a whole queue? Ooooo… sounds lovely. 😉
Grampa: Yes, I’m going to throw screws and other random metal pieces at cars. Then, when I get arrested, I’m blaming it all on you. 😛
What do you mean it explains everything Me? 😛 My parents are coming to visit, lol, and I’m going to make my dad do all sorts of home improvement things… lol.
OK Augie… ‘cept you’re a young’un. And going off to basic soon. Can’t have the handyman leaving.. no, no, no. 😛
Anne: Done. And fortunately it did not crumble.. whoosh. Thank the heavens.
Ms. Mac—I promise not to tell, but I’ll definitely ask. 😉
Comment by the insider — October 5, 2005 @ 9:20 am
If all else fails, there’s always rent-a-husband 🙂
Comment by Moxie — October 5, 2005 @ 9:40 am
I think I’m going to post an ad like that myself – actually, insider do you mind if I just use YOUR ad?
I wouldn’t worry too much about those extra pieces either. the most important part of any bed is the mattress, and as an Ikea bed owner myself I “KNOW” YOU DON’T HAVE TO PUT that TOGETHER!
Comment by Kerry — October 5, 2005 @ 9:43 am
i find the term handyMan sexist. i have a cute ass. i can put furniture together (though I’ll curse the swedes out the entire time). i’m witty. and i give great massages.
Comment by wendykat — October 5, 2005 @ 11:27 am
Moxie: Ugh, then you get all the baggage.
Kerry… go for it. 🙂 I’m happy to share.
Wendy my dear.. you missed the point. Ahem. But I’m sure you do look very cute in shorts. 😉
Comment by the insider — October 5, 2005 @ 12:01 pm
In this particular case its not sexist because the very thing that is on order is in fact a handyMAN!
Comment by Kerry — October 5, 2005 @ 12:02 pm
LOL… yes!
Comment by the insider — October 5, 2005 @ 12:08 pm
I like your ad……. here’s mine:
WANTED: One fly ass man to entertain me, make me laugh and give me gooooooood luvin.
REQUIREMENTS: Educated, Funny, Dark features, openminded. NO CHILDREN, NO CRIMINAL RECORD, NO SUBSTANCE ABUSE ISSUES. no delusions of shooting people from the clock tower.
preference given to: those who can put up with my sister
compensation: me and all my glory.
Comment by the single gal — October 5, 2005 @ 12:08 pm
LOL.. what’s wrong with delusional, clock tower shooters, huh? 😛
Comment by the insider — October 5, 2005 @ 12:17 pm
I take offense to the whole clock tower issues.
And as to the criminal record and substance abuse issues, people can change, you know.
Mostly.
Comment by grampa — October 5, 2005 @ 12:25 pm
lol, insider: nothing is wrong with it…except for the fact that there can only be one crazy person in the relationship, if things are to be balanced…..that’s all, and that person is me…so deal. lol
and gramps: of course people can change, if they couldn’t then my whole job is meaningless. sorry if i offended you…..but a girl has a right to have choices.
Comment by the single gal — October 5, 2005 @ 2:01 pm
We all have choices, this is true.
That’s why I’m heading for the clock tower.
It beats working.
Comment by Grampa — October 5, 2005 @ 2:10 pm
SG… no harm, no foul. 😉 So you’re the crazy one, huh? Yeah, figures. 😛
Grampa—bad already today?
Comment by the insider — October 5, 2005 @ 2:13 pm
i hear that…….if possible, when you reach the top of the tower, could you aim for a few of the therapists that I work with, because they are all fucking morons….and yes, that is my clinical diagnosis.
Comment by the single gal — October 5, 2005 @ 2:13 pm
i know. but i just you know… had to say it.
Comment by wendykat — October 5, 2005 @ 2:20 pm
Of course you did, lol. Completely understandable. 😛
Comment by the insider — October 5, 2005 @ 4:19 pm