September 21st, 2005shaking religion
Every time I say goddamn, it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I think that’s why I say it. Every time I pass a church, I sigh. I pass plenty on my way to work. Sometimes I think that’s why I can’t stop smoking. Every time my mom calls on Sunday I know she wants me to tell her I was at church all day, and not getting the oil changed in my car. Sometimes I think she’ll do that every week just in case. Every time I think about the future, I wonder if I’ll end up back in the church. Sometimes I think that’s why I keep running farther away.
I still listen to that music. It still makes me smile—and cry. I still miss him, and I wonder if I ever won’t. I still wake up early on Sunday. I still try not to pray, because I don’t want to be a hypocrite. And because I’m afraid there’s nothing there… and because I’m afraid there’s something there.
It would be so much easier if I just conceded. I can’t shake it. It sticks with me every damn day. It made me who I am and it’s also what I hate. But I don’t believe in it.
It’s hard for me to understand from what you write, but my best guess is don’t succeed. You have to find urself out there and I’ve definately sensed that from u during the short time u’ve blessed me unfailingly witty and uplifting comments on my blog. I have pretty strong views on organized religion, but I think ultimately, spirituality is an individual pursuit. Your relatinship with God, or lack of one, is ur journey, and u should never let any outside force compromize that… even if it’s someone u dearly love.
Here’s that beer. Cheers babe. I gotta’ feeling ur going to drink me under the table.
Comment by Graham — September 21, 2005 @ 8:03 pm
conceed not succeed… doh! sorry. All this working out my shift key got me confused. sorry. :P.
Comment by Graham — September 21, 2005 @ 8:05 pm
Doubting is so much more personal than believing. And it’s also what makes you who you are.
And from what I’ve seen, you’re good. 🙂
Comment by Anne — September 21, 2005 @ 8:15 pm
Seek a God of your understanding, no one else’s. Then, you can have solace and not be a hypocrite (or, you can be a hippocrite, if that is the god of your understanding.
Gram, God love ya, but it’s you and your. They’re words, not letters. It’s a beautiful language. Embrace it, don’t defile it.
Comment by Grampa — September 21, 2005 @ 8:18 pm
I know exactly how you feel insider, I go through those feelings sometimes myself. I was never a huge church goer or anything though, but I was brought up Catholic and went to Catholic schools… its just what you know, even when you don’t believe it… or not sure if you believe it… want to believe it but just can’t exactly… its very complicated.
Comment by Kerry — September 21, 2005 @ 9:23 pm
Graham—I might, but I’ve seen your “minimum of five” posts, remember? lol.. somehow I think it would be a fair fight. Unfailingly witty? You know the way to this blogger’s heart. 😉 Thanks.
Thank you Anne. You’re good too. 🙂 I guess it was my turn to be down in the dumps, eh?
Grampa.. the hippo again? 🙂 OK.
Complicated is an understatement Kerry.. but I’m glad someone else goes through this, too.
Comment by the insider — September 21, 2005 @ 10:03 pm
I go through it too, very occassionally.
I do have more to say but the words won’t come this morning.
Comment by ms. mac — September 22, 2005 @ 2:57 am
Hey, let’s not make it a shift thing. 😉
Comment by Anne — September 22, 2005 @ 4:52 am
iwasn’t raised with any religion. and while i don’t mind really, sometimes i wish i had something more to hold onto. something more to believe in than just myself. but i shy away from organised religion because it’s far to scary to want to join something that seeks a bling following (in my opinion). but i ask questions and maybe i’ll find religion, or maybe i’ll stick with the religion of believing in people, in love, in myself, and simply seeking joy and happiness…
i hope you find what’s best for you. religion and faith shouldn’t cause you guilt. it should cause a warmth that is unexplainable.
Comment by wendykat — September 22, 2005 @ 6:05 am
Ms Mac, I know what you mean. 🙂
Anne—LOLOL. Agreed.
Wendy.. if you find that religion and faith that causes unexplainable warmth (and it doesn’t involve someone peeing on your foot—ick), make sure you tell me about it. 🙂
Comment by the insider — September 22, 2005 @ 9:27 am
hehehe… i was gonna mention something about pee, but i figured, you’d go there eventually on your own.
i have faith. but not religion. i have faith than people can be good. and that eventually i’ll find a place where i belong, and in all likelyhood, it will have nothing to do with religion… and everything to do with love for myself.
Comment by wendykat — September 22, 2005 @ 10:37 am
You figured I’d go there by myself…? ROTFL We most definitely have to hand out. lol
I like your perspective. 🙂
Comment by the insider — September 22, 2005 @ 10:40 am
yes. i did. i was going to put up something about warm pee, cold snow, or the two guys from dumb and dumber…but, i said, nah. she’ll make a connection without me leading her.
Comment by wendykat — September 22, 2005 @ 11:15 am
We’re disturbing people… lolol. 🙂 Love it.
Comment by the insider — September 22, 2005 @ 11:21 am
thought you may enjoy this website. the drop down box that says “see what other’s believe” allows you to get a brief synopsis on almost every different known religion. It’s pretty cool.
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8041_1.html
Comment by the single gal — September 22, 2005 @ 12:59 pm
Don’t worry, I have the same problem. Church is where I learned the art of hypocrisy from my elders and also where I found compassion for mankind. The words that Jesus spoke were not of brimstone and fire but of compassion for humanity, chastity, and reverence for the kind-hearted.
Comment by Augustus — September 22, 2005 @ 2:06 pm
Single gal—that is pretty cool. Thanks for the link. 🙂
Augie—well put.
Comment by the insider — September 22, 2005 @ 2:15 pm
All hail Ju Be Ju, the Great Hippo God.
Or, don’t. It’s like Wendy said. It’s all about finding something that works for you. Self love is a good start.
When you’re ready, though, come talk to me about the hippo.
Comment by Grampa — September 22, 2005 @ 4:12 pm
And Augie, Jesus never said nothing about chastity.
G’head, prove me wrong.
Comment by Grampa — September 22, 2005 @ 4:13 pm
Chastity also means virtuous.. in respect to your character. 🙂
Not that. lol
Comment by the insider — September 22, 2005 @ 4:24 pm
The Hippo’s down with bad morals and sex. He’s so cool.
Did I mention that he’s purple?
Comment by Grampa — September 22, 2005 @ 4:26 pm
LOL. A purple reprobate hippo. Fabulous.
Comment by the insider — September 22, 2005 @ 4:29 pm
You go with what works for you, baby.
Comment by Grampa — September 22, 2005 @ 4:32 pm
‘K. Thanks baby.
Comment by the insider — September 22, 2005 @ 4:38 pm
um… i think i just got a cavity from that interplay…
Comment by wendykat — September 22, 2005 @ 8:20 pm
Screw you, bad tooth kitty.
Comment by Grampa — September 22, 2005 @ 9:26 pm
*snicker*
catfight
Comment by the insider — September 22, 2005 @ 9:56 pm
hehehe… hey man, i have that liver flavored toothpaste my incisors have never cracked so many rat skulls and looked so pearly white before…
Comment by wendykat — September 23, 2005 @ 6:23 am
OK, laughing my ass off right now wendy. 🙂
Comment by the insider — September 23, 2005 @ 10:11 am
laughing does burn calories… so i suppose you could laugh your ass off. though, who would want to? our asses make us all curvy and nice to have sitting on laps. and when i say “us” i mean me, because i have sufficient quantity of ass padding for jolly ole saint nick, if you know what i’m saying, no do you? because i sure as hell don’t.
Comment by wendykat — September 23, 2005 @ 11:26 am
rotfl. OK darling, been drinking already? And good point, I really do like my tush. Curvy and nice to have sitting on laps and all that shit.. lol
Comment by the insider — September 23, 2005 @ 11:52 am
Tushes are good.
mhmmm.
Comment by Grampa — September 23, 2005 @ 2:16 pm
You’re just so easy.
Comment by the insider — September 23, 2005 @ 2:57 pm