There’s a meme floating around that I thought was hysterical. You put “your name needs” in Google and then tack up the first ten results. Funny stuff.

Without further ado.. what I need:

Every prayer she can get.
Someone she can trust.
Gavin more than ever now.
Your help.
It.
A lot of personal attention to make her feel more secure.
To do whatever she wants.
A safe haven and a place of kindness and gentleness.
To do this.
To find Chelsea.

In all honesty, I was really hoping that one would say “a damn cookie,” but alas, it was not to be.

I am tired.

I am cranky.

I abhor PCs.

I despise working late.

And I want a damn cookie.

I just finished putting together the mother of all beds. The bed, I promise you, created by Lucifer himself. Forged in the depths of hell by his posse of minions, this bed came with screws galore and, quite possibly, the WORST instructions I have ever seen. Horrible, nasty, god awful instructions… 15 pages of inscrutable, backwards directions.

So here’s the ad:

WANTED: One handyman.
When: ASAP, or, whenever I buy new furniture or need the trash emptied (and the trashcan protected).
Requirements: Must be strong, able to wear cute shorts (i.e., nice calves, ass, etc.), preferably brilliant (I need to be entertained when you put the furniture together, duh) and must always put the seat down.
Preference given to: Those who can cook and give massages.
Compensation: Depends on how good you look in the shorts.. 😉

My hands hurt. I have a headache and it’s taken me about five hours to put this damn bed together. And I have pieces left over, so god knows it’s probably not actually put together.

Sigh.

I’m so glad my dad is coming to visit me in eight days. 🙂

I bought a very nice new bedframe the other day at IKEA. It’s nice, yes?

After trucking it home and hauling all three boxes, a giant silver bar and a stack of slats up my stairs, I decided I was done for Sunday. No big deal, the new mattress doesn’t arrive until Wednesday.

Last night I started putting together the monstrosity—using 15 pages of instructions.

On step two, I encountered a wee problem. A screw was supposed to be screwed into the wooden baseboard using a washer and some other twisty device that they provided. It worked fabulously on one side, but not-so-much on the other side. The washer refused to come off of the screw. (A double screw, with different thread widths on each side.)

After begging for help and instructions via email and phone, attempting to ice the screw and heat the washer at the same time and a jigger of vodka, I gave up.

I was beaten by step two. Oh the overwhelming shame.

Now I must go to Home Depot today and convince a nice man in an orange apron to unscrew the washer from the screw. Or just to buy a new screw.

I got my damn ass kicked by IKEA. Not cool.

And why this is a hysterical site.

Today is trash day, and after much deliberation, I decided to put my trashcan, once again, on the curb.

Who here thinks it’s going to be gone when I get home?

Yeah, me too. Damn.

Talking with my landlord on Saturday, she was aghast to hear that someone had “borrowed” my trashcan. So it definitely wasn’t her. I’ll be keeping an eye on my next door neighbor. He’s a bit creepy anyway.

There are few things in life as liberating as being on the open road. Clear, sunny skies, gorgeous vistas stretched out ahead and not a soul to be seen for miles… it makes you feel as if you’re the only one alive in the world.

I took a short road trip today, and my god it made me ache. I love being on the road. I crave that kind of freedom and adventure, and short trips only serve to rip open an oozing wound.

I passed a Burlington Coat Factory on my way. The last time I was in a BCF, I was in Virginia. I had stopped to buy an umbrella so I could take pictures at a local battlefield without the rain damaging my camera. It was chilly and overcast and the VA sniper was still taking potshots at people pumping gas. That was two years ago and it felt like yesterday.

UPDATE: Apparently that was three years ago and I have no sense of time. Yeah.

I don’t really mind spending money. I’m not a tightwad.. I’ll spend $2 on coffee five times a week easy, and I always overtip. And I love giving presents. Christmas is my favorite time of year. 🙂 Even when it comes to spending large sums of money on necessary things, I’m OK. Except when I then go to balance my checkbook and cringe.

I just bought a new mattress. It’s pillowtop… cushy. 🙂 And it was time. But I’m all about buying quality when it comes to things I’m going to have for a long time. I’ve no problem buying $1 flipflops and $6 sunglasses, but when it comes to furniture… well, it needs to be comfortable and it needs to last.

That being said, now I’m all cranky about this damn mattress. And I shouldn’t be. But I’m planning a few trips in the next few months and Christmas is coming and blah, blah, blah. Sorry people, just wanted to vent.

I was at the mattress store with my friend E. Together, we’re a dangerous combination… in that we’re very blunt and we’ll have private conversations in public (she, more than I.. but it’s funny). There were two guys at the mattress store….

The one walked us around and had us try out the mattresses. So E and I are laying on this mattress and the guy says, “So how are you in bed normally?”

I grinned and said, “Pretty good actually.” (Hi, I’m all about bullshitting the people… hehehe)

Blushing furiously, he said, “No, I mean what position?”

So I replied, “I like to be on top.” (I’m just wicked aren’t I? 🙂 )

“What about you doll,” I said, looking at E.

“Oh on top is fabulous, but this bed is so comfortable, I think any position would be nice. You’re getting a strong headboard, right?”

I thought the man was going to split a gut, he was laughing so hard.

What? It was fun.

It’s freezing and I’m very cold. It’s 59º, and I know you’re thinking.. “that’s not cold, what’s your problem?” It is too. Especially today. I don’t know why in particular, but the coworker thinks it’s because I’m not wearing socks. Sure, OK. Maybe.

After a fruitless (on her part) argument about turning on the heat, it is on and I am ensconced in a blanket and I am still cold. Grrr.

Now, it’s quite possible it’s because the window is also open. I like fresh air and there is a fly that is in the office that I haven’t been able to annihilate. Damn fly.

The coworker just shut the window again. The fly is still in here, I am still cold and now there is no fresh air.

She says that it’s stupid to have the heat on and the window open… but a) we don’t pay the gas bill and b) the fly won’t die.

Am I the only one who puts on the heat and opens the window? (I do it in the car too.)

For leaving it on my front porch.

That was nice.

You must read my blog and be afraid of the others. Damn straight they’re scary and were going to kick your ass.

Don’t do it again, or I’ll track you down and beat you with a pole.

I know where to get one now.