August 8th, 2005the path you take
I have this ongoing dream, that one day I will wake up and this won’t be my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I like my life. It’s interesting and entertaining; I have great friends and a wonderful family. But I wonder.
Had my life gone as planned (when I was 15), I would be married to a pastor, probably pregnant with our first child and quite possibly a missionary in a remote third world country. In college, I would have majored in history and Biblical studies. I would have sung in an a capella choir and joined the theatre troupe. I would have led Bible studies and married my high school sweetheart. My family would be inordinately proud of me and I would revel in being such a “good” person.
Appalling, isn’t it? Would you read my blog then? If I was self righteous and only watched “7th Heaven?” Yeah, I wouldn’t either.
As it is, I majored in communications. I edited the college paper and I watch anything that catches my fancy. I’m agnostic and not married, so a missionary, I’m not. My family loves me, but I disappoint them.
I don’t think I want the other life. Mine works for me.. but sometimes, when I’m having a bad day or I miss my family, I wonder.
No, I didn’t have a bad day. I just felt restless and listless and I don’t like that—it makes me wonder. And wondering, for me, is decidedly unhealthy.
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And now I have read this over and I am appalled at how pathetic it sounds when I purge. I hate it when I’m whiny.
So you tell me. What path were you supposed to take? What were you going to be?
You aren’t being whiney…you are thinking out loud and I like what you wrote. Does your family no Longer speak to you? I often wonder about the path i was to take as well, it would not have involved being a never-married single mother raising a boy alone, BUT that is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You should write more, I’ll be back to check 🙂
Comment by Layla — August 8, 2005 @ 11:29 pm
Aw, thank you Layla. My family does speak to me, quite often in fact—it’s more of an underlying thing with my dad. He’s a strong Christian and I am not. It’s complicated, y’know?
I’ve often heard people say that while they weren’t expecting a child, it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. I’m glad you think so—althought that kinda makes me want a kid. They’re fun. 🙂
Comment by the insider — August 9, 2005 @ 12:29 am
They are, aren’t they? Quite tiring too. 🙂
If that’s what You call being whiney, I want to whine like that.
It’s quite normal, wondering what could have been. If I’d had my way, I’d be a world-famous actress right now. As it is, I’m sure I’m much better off. Somehow… 😉
And don’t forget you live your life for yourself, not for (the approval of) your family and friends…
Comment by Anne — August 9, 2005 @ 4:12 am
LOL. Thanks Anne. A world famous actress, hmm… well, then you wouldn’t talk to us “ordinary” people. 😉
And yes, you’re right, but… y’know. Sometimes that’s tough. *sheepish grin*
Comment by the insider — August 9, 2005 @ 8:57 am