I called my mom today (I called her yesterday, too, but she didn't answer) and after finally reaching her at work, I said, "are you avoiding me?" in a joking way.
Her response? Yes. Yes, she is avoiding me.
WTF?
She apparently doesn't like it when I blog about her.
There is not enough alcohol in the world to deal with my family sometimes, seriously.
I never thought I'd see this in my lifetime… one major political party ticket has a black man and the other has a woman.
Completely and totally awesome.
Alright, I found this via the Very Good Taste blog and it's really entertaining. He put together a list of 100 food items every omnivore should try, and it's a little scary how many creepy things I've tried—61/100 on this list.
Instructions
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
The VGT Omnivore's Hundred:
1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare — no way in hell
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses — extremely stinky cheese, gag
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper — i'd like to keep my mouth not on fire
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi — bleh
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects — only if I was stranded on a desert island.
43. Phaal — see #26
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini — gag
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads — so many no ways, no hows, nu uhs
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian — cannot get past the smell
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis — double gag
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill — so disgusting
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish — dirty water fish, bleh
95. Mole poblano — amazingly, you can do something bad with chocolate
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake
When blogging about your parents, be sure to add a note in there telling your sister (if a sibling reads your blog) to NOT CALL YOUR MOTHER LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
And in particular, to not tell said mother—when she asks where you heard about it—that you READ IT.
Seriously, my mother is so never talking to me again, lol.
Tropic Thunder: So patently offensive, it'll make you laugh out loud and choke on your Icee.
Seriously, so bad, yet so good.
Update: And now she's hung up on me. She called to see how I was doing, I said better, blah blah, and then I said, see, I told you I didn't have an STD. Yeah, it went downhill from there, with her saying she didn't imply anything about either of us cheating (uh hi, yeah you did) and me saying, yes you did and her eventually hanging up on me. Fun. Freaking. Times.
Alright, so this might be TMI, but whatever, there's a point.
So I've been feeling kinda crappy for the past few days, but then last night I was in agony. I figured out what it was (UTI), so I called my dad to have him call me in a couple of prescriptions. If you've ever had one, you know they suck hugely and meds are immediately required.
Alright, so my dad was actually going in to see a patient, so I ended up talking to my mom. She said she's definitely have him call it in, blah blah, but THEN (and here is where it gets to the point) she said, "do you know how you got this?"
Now I've only gotten one before this, and that was last summer, but I did talk to my OBGYN about it a few months ago. She indicated it might be the constant condom use (the pain of not being able to take birth control), but unless the Chop wants a vasectomy right now, we'll just have to deal and hopefully I won't get too many.
Alright, so I said that to my mom and also that I've been really stressed (and therefor drinking a bit more) trying to launch this massive website (which, btw, I was doing the final push last night.. lovely time to want to die) and so that can also throw off your pH balance.
My mom, out of the blue, was all, are you sure it's a UTI? Because it could be an STD.
WTF?
I say, no, I'm sure it's a UTI. Where would I get an STD? (mind you, I'm chuckling at this) It's not like Chop or I have any time to have any other relationship, we're way too damn busy.
Well, she says, it's the people who you don't think have the time to have affairs that do it.
Again, WTF?
So I say, ah, yeah, I'm pretty sure he's not cheating on me (nor I on him). And seriously Mom, you went from me saying I have a UTI to thinking I might have an STD that he caught from another woman?
Her response was something like, you never know and blah blah blah.
Yeah, I've now decided that my Mom, whom I adore, is either a) a little insane, b) thinks the worst of guys in general or c) thinks the worst of me and Chop. I know some of her issues have to do with affairs that have occurred in the family, but come on, it's not like every man/woman is going to cheat on his/her spouse/partner.
I mean really, would your Mom make that leap?
Don't do contract work for a friend without getting money upfront.
It's not only disappointing when they don't pay, it's very disheartening.
I look forward to one day telling my kids that yes, I watched Michael Phelps win 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. And yes, I was probably working during every race and your dad was playing PSP, but we both PAUSED to watch Phelps. Every. damn. time.
And it was awesome.
Chop gave me grief today for not blogging for awhile, and the truth is, it's been a long couple of weeks.
My best friend from high school and her husband stayed with us for a couple of days, then the morning they left, his parents flew in and stayed with us for five days. Two days after they left, his sisters flew in and stayed with us for five days. Parts of it were fun (lots of visiting local attractions, lots of drinking and reminiscing) and parts of it were rough (his sisters like to argue, massive quantities of rain, not being able to work as much as necessary), but all in all, it was very entertaining.
Like I said, it's been a long couple of weeks, lol.
Up side.. the Olympics. And omg, do I LOVE the Olympics. My Nana and I watched the '96 and '00 Olympics together, and ever since, I've been hooked. I use the DVR to tape all the coverage and then I fast-forward through what I don't want to watch (basketball, baseball, tennis, water polo, etc.) and watch what I like (swimming, gymnastics, diving, track and field, some weightlifting, kayaking). Working from home definitely has it's advantages, as I've watched Olympic coverage every day for upwards of 12 hours. Goooood times.
Have you ever gone inside a Lush store? The first thing that assaults you is the smell (I seriously cannot imagine how people manage to work there); the second thing is the salespeople. Lush employees are the pushiest, most annoying people in any store I've ever been in—and I've been in a lot.
The Chop's sister works for a Lush, and she's managed to get us hooked on a couple of products, thereby forcing us to go to the store when we run out (yeah, we could order it online, but shipping can run up to $10… not worth it). However, after yesterday's debacle (one of many), we've decided to bite the bullet on the shipping, simply to save our sanity.
We always walk in fast, angle around everyone, grab what we need and head to the counter. The goal here is to a) not make eye contact with anyone, b) get exactly what we need as quickly as possible and c) checkout and flee, so that I can once again breathe the free air (the fumes, oh my god, the fumes).
The mall was the place to be yesterday (torrential thunderstorms), so the store was crowded, but there was only one person ahead of us in line (score!), so I think this is where I lost my concentration.
The checkout chick wrapped the soap of those ahead of us and that somehow set her off on a tangent about how she took online origami. Don't. ask.
Finally, our turn! We set our stuff down (two things of each—we don't like to run out) and waited to be rung up.
Oh my gosh, you have TWO things of Big [shampoo I am addicted too—damn his sister!] and you don't have any Veganese?!
OK, their products, I swear, are named so that you're stuck saying, uh what?
You DO use the Veganese, right?!
Um, what's Veganese?
It's the conditioner! You MUST buy it!
(And now here is where the lack of concentration comes into play….)
I don't use conditioner (I was actually thinking wtf, and when that came out, I realized my grave error.)
WHAT?! You have to use conditioner!
Random other girl who works there and is halfway across the room… Not conditioning is SO BAD for your hair! (While looking at me in disgust.)
If I give you a sample of Veganese, will you try it?!
Sure, why not. (At this point, hi, just want to flee. Chop is trying not to bust a gut laughing—knowing that I've stepped in heaping pile of shit—and I just want all of them to quit looking at me like I mistreat my hair. It's HAIR people, and YES, I condition, but I don't use your conditioner. I use CHEAP conditioner, since I spend so much freaking money on your damn shampoo.)
The rest of the time checking out I got a lecture about using conditioner, she kept saying, but isn't it dry and stringy? and I kept saying, nope, no, nope, great hair, no problems.
Sigh.
When we finally managed to escape, Chop pointed out my error… the "what is Veganese" question. But here's the thing… it's called VEGANESE. How do you NOT want to know what the fuck that is?
