September, 2012: My parents did the final move up north. I picked up my Mom and sister at the airport at 8PM and headed up to her new place, reaching our hotel by midnight. The next day we visited the new place and cleaned like crazy (the previous owners had not cleaned as they left – oy veh) late into the night. The movers arrived the next day. Then my parents’ good friends arrived to help for a couple of days. The whole ordeal was, quite frankly, a shitshow and I was so happy to head home. The Peanut had missed me.

October, 2012: We went to Mexico with my family. It was awesome, the Peanut loved it, but the day we came home he got sick. And proceeded to hurl on me in the plane – after he demanded I carry him through the airport in Dallas and through customs (while six months pregnant). The flight from Dallas was a nightmare, but then he got sick in the car on the ride home… and I got stopped for speeding (of course I did), with my mother, father, husband and sick child in the car. The state trooper chastised me (I was crying on the way home, hello hormones) for being a bad mother (essentially), but nicely gave me just a warning. The Peanut’s birthday (which was supposed to be the day after we got back) was postponed, and then canceled. Poor guy was sick for almost two weeks.

November, 2012: I turned 30. Wow. And got to celebrate by being pregnant, lol. The pregnancy was really kicking my ass – itchy and exhausted were the two main issues.

December, 2012: My Mom came down for the weekend and watched the Peanut while the Chop and I spent two nights away for our anniversary. The first night we slept from midnight until 3PM the next afternoon – yeah, sleep deprivation is a killer. We spent Christmas up north with my parents and sister and her boyfriend – it was fun, but terribly exhausting and stressful. My Mom is not loving living up north and the Peanut didn’t sleep well… and neither did I. Ugh, pregnancy.

January, 2013: My due date came and went, but three days later we induced when my blood pressure rose slightly. January 29 brought the Bean into our lives and as with the Peanut, the months of pregnancy were completely, utterly worth it.

February, 2013: The first month of being the parents of two was monumental for us. My Mom and sister came out to help us (thankfully) and had a wonderful time with the Peanut, playing with him, taking him out and introducing him to children’s CDs in the car. They cooked, cleaned and held the Bean, and when they left we were bereft. My Mom came back (she was supposed to be here the full month, but went home after two weeks to see my Dad and got sick – she ended up staying up there for a week instead of two days), but then left again to go back west for two weeks. She’ll be back mid-March for a few days, which we’ll love for the extra sleep, but then she’s heading back home indefinitely. Oy.

He informed me on the way home that he was ready to try for another.

Over the weekend I finally broke down and bought regular coffee… and wow, I have really missed it. Even though the Chop and I regularly visit Starbucks, there’s nothing like having caffeine at the crack of dawn when the Peanut wants to play. I almost feel bad remembering how many mornings I’d “play” with him before the Chop woke up, trying desperately to keep my eyes open and my brain working.

We have a pretty good schedule worked out – we trade off waking up with him every morning. Some days that means 5AM, some days it’s 730AM – the only constant is that after two hours, we switch. The Chop usually heads straight back to bed when his shift is over, but about 50% of the time I stay awake and start work. The Peanut normally goes down for his nap 3-4 hours after he woke up, so I can usually knock out a four hour stretch. Then when he wakes up, the Chop takes over and I go between working and play for the rest of the day.

We’re pretty lucky.

Looking at mommy makes him smile.

A pregnancy, a baby, a friendship rekindled, a flood and loads of visitors made 2010 an incredibly interesting, stressful, insane, happy, amazing and overwhelming year.

Top Favorites of 2010

1. The Peanut! We adore him. He doesn’t sleep much (’cause he’s a robot), but he’s an amazing, adorable and happy baby. I’ve taken over a thousand photos (actually probably more, and omg, that’s insane), loads of videos and am still constantly amazed that we made him.
2. Being married to the Porkchop. They say a true test of marriage is having kids, so perhaps the ultimate test is having one before your first anniversary. I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather be married too or raise a baby with – we’re still as happy and in love as we were when we met.
3. Finding out I was pregnant. We were shocked and it took us a few days, but it was a pretty awesome surprise. Also, telling my parents
4. Finding out an old friend was also pregnant, reconnecting and becoming fast friends again. We missed you guys and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be pregnant and bitchy with — or moms and awake at 4am ichatting with. I can’t wait to watch our sons grow up together.
5. Having so many friends and family visit. If I’d have known all it took was a baby to get people to visit in droves, I’d have had one years ago, lol. It was amazing having so much help and showing him off.
6. Going to my parent’s for Christmas with the Peanut. They adore him and we got some much needed rest.
7. The Chop’s sister getting married! She had one not-so-good engagement years ago that crushed her, and seeing her so happy has been awesome.

Top Bummers of 2010

1. The great flood. Stupid freaking flood that wrecked our basement. Granted we met a great contractor, and increased the value of our house, but what a nightmare five months it caused.
2. Pregnancy, wtf. Pregnancy is a) hard, b) sucky and c) excruciating. He was definitely 100% worth it, but oy. Hard shit.
3. Not going on our honeymoon to Italy. We scheduled it for March of 2011, but now we’re leaving the Peanut with my parents… a whole other set of concerns, lol. As in, can I leave my almost 6-month-old while I go for two weeks to a foreign country? We’ll see!
4. Labor. Wow. I dunno how people do it more than a couple of times. I think after two or three I’ll be all set. Overwhelming and excruciating, it was the worst pain I have ever felt. And it went on and on and on, lol.

The good 100% outweighs the bad. I am overwhelmingly grateful and thankful every day.

2010: Definitely the best year of my life.

• Too much vodka will make you feel very, very good. Then very, very bad. Combine that with fresh citrus-type fruit juice, and you’ve screwed the pooch for two days.
• One should elope. No matter what you do or say, your mom will commandeer the wedding. Elope while you can.
• Working for yourself is awesome. Until you want to take a vacation, or have a long weekend, or a baby, or a wedding… then you’re screwed.
• Planning on getting pregnant? Pregnant already? Take a vacation. Now. You might think that it will be too much of a hassle, but trust me, you haven’t experienced hassle yet.
• Having a baby before your first anniversary is definitely an experience. Don’t do it if you haven’t been together very long and/or haven’t been getting laid regularly. You won’t know what being married is like… being married with kids is a vastly different animal.
• Moving across the country to a place you love is perfection… until you have a baby and you realize that having family around might be really helpful.
• Pregnancy sucks. Also labor. It will be worse and hurt worse than you expect… for both of you. You have not felt pain. Plus the hormones afterward are a nightmare.
• Sleep is magical. Sleep in, sleep late, go to bed early, etc. Get it while you can, because if you a) get older, b) get pregnant or c) have a kid, you will never get as much as you want again. Ever.
• Having a great camera is key. Particularly one that can also take video. One of my favorite mementos from our trip to Ireland is a video of me driving a tiny car in the country. A smart phone is good too… especially if you have kids and there are grandparents involved. My mom now expects a picture every morning.
• Visiting Santa at Christmastime with an infant is a freaking nightmare. Prepare for everything.
• Children require constant stimulation and attention. Want to get some work done? Invest in every type of baby toy imaginable. Particularly the play mats with things that move and mirrors. And mobiles. I’ve currently reached the end of the attention span of a two month old.

Fortunately my my sister surprised us by showing up on our doorstep Thursday morning, so our anniversary involved sleeping in a bit (we gave her the Nut at 8AM and went back to bed until 1130… heaven), getting laid right about the time we got married last year (the sister went for a run, the Peanut decided to finally nap = win) and going to dinner out — complete with gorgeous one-year anniversary ring.

Isn't he cute? Love you honey... Happy 1st Anniversary.

I was supposed to be induced September 30th, around 7AM. So on September 29th, we went out to dinner, worked late and hardly slept. At 5AM the hospital called — a lot of women had actually gone into labor (bitches!) and I was being pushed back. I went back to sleep (after telling my mom to get out of the shower, as we weren’t going yet) and at 9AM they called to tell me I wasn’t going to be induced.

Sigh. My mom took me for a mani/pedi that afternoon, which was a brilliant idea — the fluid that causes your feet to swell to the size of a troll had been paining me for weeks and the Chop was happy someone else was rubbing them for once.

October 1 (Friday) I called the hospital and they told me not to come in, but they’d call me later. Oy. Once you are past your due date, every day is really long and all you can think about is when is this baby leaving my womb. At 40 weeks, your stomach is massive. You ache all over, sleep is elusive, you feel twice the size you actually are and people KEEP ASKING if you’ve had the baby.

Plus, my mom was here and she kept smiling at me. And if I groaned or moved funny or grimaced (which frankly happened all the time, the Chop wasn’t even bothered by it anymore), she’d look over, her eyes would light up and she’d be all, has it started?

Sigh. Yeah. No.

Around 3PM the hospital called. “Did you think we’d forgotten you?” she asked. “Um, haha, kind of…” I replied. “Can you be here in an hour?”

Sure, I said, quite stupidly as we still had to load the car, drop off the dog and get lunch.

The Chop and my mom were both on their phones, so I went into the bedroom and started putting everything together. The Chop came, still on the phone, and asked what I was doing — we’re going to the hospital, I said. He got off the phone.

We dropped off the dog at daycare, picked up lunch at Panera and arrived at the hospital around 5PM. There was a bit of traffic (and a car accident RIGHT at the hospital exit), but we actually drove there in pretty good time.

We checked in, got our fun bracelets and headed to our labor and delivery room. Our first nurse, Yanna, was Russian. She was very sweet, but was concerned about getting my IV in, so she called an IV nurse — it took two weeks for the IV bruise to go away. She ran through her checklist of questions, and they started the pitocin drip.

I expected instant, painful contractions, but got nothing. As it turns out, pitocin can take awhile. By 8PM I was blogging and my mom was getting ready to head home to sleep. I had some mild cramping, but in general, was feeling OK. The Chop and I watched Blue Bloods (I love Donnie Walhberg, he’s a fantastic actor) and NCIS reruns.

Around 11PM they checked to see how far I was dilated and stripped my membranes again — fuck if that doesn’t hurt like hell. They’d done it the week before, at my doctor’s office, but this time it was twice as long and twice as painful.

Then they offered me my first pain meds. A drug cocktail, one in the IV and one “in my bum.” Um, no, I said. I’m all for the IV, but I don’t want one “in my bum.” Yanna was confused and said, but that’s the one that lasts longer, you need them both. No, no, I said, I don’t want that one.

She left to get the drugs (and the doctor) and I looked at the Chop. He agreed, none in the bum.

The nurse and doctor came back and she again offered me the one in the bum. The needle is small, she said. Needle, I said?

As it turns out, the Chop and I both assumed that “by in the bum” she meant a suppository. Why, you ask? I don’t know. The way she said it? The accent? Whatever it was, I was not keen on a suppository, lol, and the Chop was in agreement. The needle comment was what gave it away. “In the bum” meant a shot in the ass, lol.

So first came the nubane in the IV. Magical, wonderful and my only drug of choice, it’s like getting smashed on vodka, without the hangover or the nausea. You’re just instantly (and I mean within seconds) floating on a happy cloud (and apparently slurring, according to the Chop). The world is very hazy and your body feels wonderful.

Then of course came the Demerol shot (in the thigh instead of the ass, incidentally), which really and truly hurt like hell. But the next four hours I was in a drug induced sleep, feeling next to nothing at all.

Around 3:30 they offered me the epidural, and by then the Demerol had worn off and the pain was starting to be a problem.

The anesthesiologist, with exceedingly cold hands, did a great job getting the epidural in. It was definitely uncomfortable, plus hands on my back make me jump, but the Demerol shot had been far more painful. It was just weird, and disconcerting, having a tube inserted in my spine. Thinking about it now, I still shudder a little.

Once the epidural kicked in, I went back to sleeping. Sadly I was woken up regularly to ask how I was doing (I always forget that sleeping in hospitals is impossible — you sleep for what seems like five minutes and then someone comes in, repeat ad nauseam).

At around 6AM the doctor came in to see how dilated I was. Sadly it was just a few centimeters, 4 I think, but they broke my water and I went back to sleep.

The rest of the day was basically a haze of being checked on, being drugged and sleeping. The Chop slept in some, got up and showered, went and got lunch; my mom called, but was waiting to come in until the labor really started, so really I just dozed in and out.

Around 5PM the nurse checked and I was 8 centimeters, finally, so the Chop called my mom to have her come. By the time she got there, around 6PM, I was being checked again. OK, the nurse said, it’s time.

The next three hours were some of the most excruciating of my life. The epidural didn’t make me completely numb — I had tingling in my legs, and the “pushing pain” (an overwhelmingly painful feeling of needing to void something) was in no way lessened by the drugs. Due to the baby “possibly” being too big, they didn’t want to use forceps or the vacuum, so in order to get him out, I had to push with no assistance—and if I couldn’t we had to move to C section.

I have honestly never been in so much pain in my life. The contractions were coming 2-3 minutes apart and the pain was indescribable.

At 8PM I wanted to give up. Demanded a C section, started crying uncontrollably and frankly just wanted to die. 10 more minutes, they kept saying to me, we can see his head!

FYI, they’d been saying “we can see his head” for over an hour at this point. Apparently you can see the head for A LONG FUCKING TIME before it actually comes out.

They brought in the anesthesiologist to give me “an extra boost” down the epidural, and somehow I managed to pull it together for the next 50 minutes and get him out. There must’ve been magic in that boost, because I’m still surprised I didn’t die. Especially when he crowned. They call it “the ring of fire” and it truly is like having a white hot poker swirled around down south — it’s like, no, it can’t get worse and then OMFG IT JUST GOT WORSE.

Once his head was out, the rest kind of whooshed out in a massive flood of liquid (gross I know—apparently it was the most disturbing part of the whole thing for the Chop—well, that and the “stretching” he said) and the relief was fabulous. He had the cord around his neck once, so he came out greyish-purple and I only held him for a quick second before they whisked him away to do his tests and get cleaned up. He pooped on me, of course.

He arrived at 8:50PM exactly four weeks ago, on October 2. He was 8 lbs, 4 oz and 21 inches. And he came out completely bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The Peanut, shortly after birth, being weighed.

The next thing I know I’m being stitched (and FEELING IT, FUCK) and a nurse is beating the shit out of my uterus. Stop, stop, I cried, why are you doing that?! We have to get the blood clots out, she said, unless you want the doctor to stick his hand up there to get them out — and trust me, you won’t want anyone to stick anything up there.

So there I was, being beaten by a nurse, while the Chop and my mom had deserted me to hang across the room with the baby. Eventually they came back to my side, my mom holding him and telling me “thank you for my grandson” multiple times, and both of them sending picture messages of the little cutie to our friends and family.

My mom holding him about 10 minutes after birth — notice how I am ignored in the bed next to her!

They took him out after that, to do whatever it is they do with babies, while I got cleaned up. Then I realized I was starving. To death. I am not kidding. I have never been so hungry in my entire life. I ate Chris’ leftover lunch (turkey wrap, piece of cake), my mother’s chocolate candy bar (Hershey’s with Almonds) and then we ordered a pizza and salads (hello, did you know labor and delivery stocks take out menus for this reason?).

We were moved to our maternity room around midnight, by then my mom had gone home and the Chop and I were dead exhausted. Chop went and checked on the Peanut in the nursery (before we crashed), but he wasn’t brought back to our room until 3AM.

We spent the next two and a half days in that room, the Chop only leaving to go to the cafe or the kitchen. We were visited every shift change, and sometimes in between, by nurses. My OBGYN came every day, as did the Peanut’s pediatrician and the lactation specialists (they really are very full service). My mom brought Starbucks every day, too. My favorite part of being there was getting three meals a day brought to me, lol. I was really hungry every single day and it wasn’t until we were home a week or so that I wasn’t starving constantly.

In his bassinet in our room — wearing his Gloworm hat

The day we left, bearing flowers and awesome cupcakes—and an adorable baby—the Chop and I spent 20 minutes attempting to get the car seat buckled in while the car was idling at the front door. We finally moved the car to a parking spot (we felt very conspicuous) and realized we had been trying to put it in backwards.

Mmm, cupcakes from our friends — so very good.

Great start, we decided.

10 days old — and yes, worth it.

I’ve been at the hospital now for about three and a half hours. I’m on a pitocin drip (to induce labor), and while I’m having contractions, they aren’t super strong and the doctor thinks this will take all night. Party.

They keep asking me my pain level — on a scale of 0-10—and apparently 20 is when they give an epidural. Ha ha. My nurse is a joker.