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July 18th, 2005
those days, those terrible, awful days..

You know how some times you just have a really obnoxious day? The kind of day you didn’t expect to be bad, but ended up that way just the same? Y’know, your morning is going relatively well, but then a series of minute events compound to form a giant migraine?

I just had that kind of day.

The gas company won’t come until tomorrow—so I started the day with a cold shower.

I still haven’t managed to go to the grocery store, but it doesn’t matter because my kitchen is still packed—so I started the day without my toast.

I had no cash—so I started the day at the ATM in order to get my coffee.

My coworker wasn’t at work when I got there—so the air conditioner wasn’t on yet and it was hot and nasty muggy.. at 9 a.m.

A new hire at our main office needed my help for a couple of hours—so I was delayed getting the issue started.

My coworker had a bad weekend—so we had a bad Monday.

We found more problems on one of our sites—so we had a bad Monday.

It was hot and muggy and rainy and cloudy—so we had a bad Monday.

Did I mention… we had a bad Monday?

posted in: crapola — @ 11:08 pm

July 17th, 2005
i forgot to mention..

The new landlord brought me breakfast. 🙂 And her husband said he’d install my air conditioner.

Very nice people, so that’s positive.

posted in: joy in the little things — @ 4:36 pm

July 17th, 2005
unpacking is a bitch

Do you know how much stuff people accumulate? Stupid stuff—knicknacks, trinkets and an abnormal amount of kitchen accoutrement—anyone need a fondue pot or a set of martini glasses (I have three… they were gifts. So what does that say about me…?)?

This morning I realized that I needed to contact my landlord… but I surprisingly did not have her number. No matter, that’s what whitepages.com is for—although my mother informed me that getting cable and internet access the hour I moved in, and not getting my landlord’s number, was quite telling about my priorities… hehehe. 😉

As it turns out, I should’ve checked to see if my stove was working… why, you ask? Because the hot water heater is neither broken or turned off. No, it’s the gas. So I have to call the gas company tomorrow to turn it back on.. until then, cold showers. Argh.

Other than that, the only other obnoxiousness is that the air conditioner is not installed yet. Sigh. Oh well.. at least I haven’t broken anything this morning, unlike the guest who emailed me this picture…

With this subject line: “My life sucks today because..” And this picture caption: “She’s gonna be pissed”

Subsequent emails have uncovered… the guest hates soap scum. LOL

“There was some soap scum I couldn’t get to, so I lifted the glass out to clean it. It just shattered in my hands.”

Ah, good times…

posted in: crapola,hilarity — @ 3:25 pm

July 16th, 2005
moving, continued

It’s 10:30… I’ve been up for 15 hours, packing, moving, going up and down lots of stairs, unpacking… it’s very, very sad. And my feet hurt… my hand too, because I’m a bit of a klutz and I cut it. I despise moving. And July.

Oh, and just for kicks.. I just now realized the hot water heater is turned off and I want to take a shower…. 🙁

It hasn’t been the greatest day ever. And it doesn’t look like tomorrow will make the books either. Stupid July.

posted in: crapola — @ 10:45 pm

July 16th, 2005
today, i moved.

It sucked. The movers ripped my couch, my air conditioner isn’t installed and it’s INSANELY hot.

Oh, the old landlord.. the woman who kicked me out? She wants one week of rent… for last week. Is no one nice anymore? I mean, come on, you asked me to move out and I did… quite quickly, I might add—spot me one week of rent! Grrrr.

Whatever. I have to go back there to clean and pick up the cats. Her nephew’s coming over tonight—he’s going to paint before he moves in. I think I got hosed—nephew has problems my ass. :I

More later..

posted in: crapola — @ 3:51 pm

July 15th, 2005
Weekend Update Part 2

OK, so I’m sitting here eating a jar of olives (you know, the Mediterranean kind) thinking about the rest of my weekend up north.

First of all, I should mention that it was great to get away. With the divorce going on I just needed a break from being in the house and everything. On the other hand, having such a great weekend made me feel a little sad because it made me realize how much I wish I could share it with someone really special.

The next day we went on a 20 mile bike ride through Itasca State Park. It was really sunny out, so Ken recommended that I put on some sunscreen. I’ll come back to this though.

On the bike path.

About 15 miles into the ride we decided to stop at a little lodge for some lunch. Now it’s bad enough that I’m losing weight from the whole divorce situation, but I figure that a 20 mile bike ride isn’t helping. So for lunch, I order three turkey sandwiches.

Sandwiches before.

For the record: these turkey sandwiches were small. Why do people give me so much crap for being a good eater anyway? Three sandwiches later we were back on the trail and then we decided to take a swim.

Sandwiches after.

For me, swimming after you eat is like running with scissors—there’s nothing wrong with it.. It was so hot out the cool lake water felt really good, but there’s something about the heat that makes mosquitoes and horseflies go crazy. Swimming in the water kept them away, but once we got out and started biking again, they were on all of us.

Three horsefly bites later I tried (unsuccessfully) smacking one. I look at my palm and it’s orange. “the sunscreen” I think to myself. I show my palms to Ken who explains that his sunscreen has a bronzer in it. “Don’t you know you’re supposed to wash your hands,” he exclaimed. Yeah, where in the Port-A-Potty did you see a sink or soap? There isn’t a bathroom for miles—and this stuff is waterproof.

Twenty miles later I’m still staring at my orange palms wondering how long they’ll be orange. Then Ken’s brother, Robert, announces that we’ll be going scuba diving at their parent’s cabin.

Thirty minutes later, we’re at the cabin and looking at the most spectacular view of what must be the cleanest, bluest lake in Minnesota. Shane’s going to go diving first, so I opt to snorkel a bit. Amazingingly the water is just as blue under the surface.

Biking at Itasca.

Shane’s done, so I dive to find myself surrounded by sunfish. They’re all looking directly at me. I explained to them that they weren’t a food item so long as I was scuba diving and they proceeded to follow me around. Some of you may ask how I communicated with the pan fish—I’ll explain another time; I’m almost out of olives.

The day ended with another fantastic meal (of course). While we were waiting for our food, we had to feed Robert’s tame chipmunks. Yes, Robert has tame chipmunks. They like to be petted and love it when you feed them sunflower seeds.

Donut the chipmunk.

Shane with Donut.

We ate pork steaks with Jim Beam BBQ sauce. Pigs are tasty animals. We didn’t bother with the bonfire as the mosquitoes were even worse.

The North Woods sunset.

The next morning we decided to try fishing one last time. We were heading back in when a 2 – 2 ½ pound northern took my line. Finally! I caught my first fish of the weekend.

I was so excited when we walked back into Ken’s cabin. Now we just need to clean up and get ready to go home, but as we walked through the door… It smelled like his dog’s ass, but now it’s ten times worse. It’s Jasper, somehow his anal gland condition had gone from bad to severe.

Great, I get to ride home with this dog for 3 ½ hours today in 95 degree weather with no air conditioning.

We finish cleaning up and on the way back we hit the halfway point and neither Ken or I could stand the smell. We pull over to a gas station.

How do you know that you’re far away from civilization? When you go to the magazine rack in a gas station and they ONLY have a porn section. Wasn’t really expecting that, but I guess it gets lonely in these parts.

OK, I’m out of olives and I’m falling asleep sitting up.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

posted in: guest musings — @ 2:21 am

July 14th, 2005
why i hate july

It’s hot.

It’s the middle of the damn year, which means I’m half a year older and I still have six months until Christmas.

The bugs come out.. nasty little suckers.

It’s muggy.

It’s hot, really, really hot.

The only things on TV are: reruns, weird reality shows and movies that were so bad they never made it to the theatre.

It’s not the fall… I love the fall.

Most book publishers don’t publish until the fall, leaving the summer (particularly July) devoid of any new literature.

The last time I moved it was.. wait for it… JULY. And now I am moving again. So I hate July; I hate July a lot.

Moving just sucks people—ESPECIALLY in July.

Blech.

posted in: crapola — @ 9:50 pm

July 13th, 2005
Weekend Update Part 1

This weekend a friend of mine invited me to his cabin up in Northern Minnesota. I didn’t really know what to expect however the sound of getting away for the weekend was too good to pass up regardless of what was in store.

So last Friday I got home from work a little early, threw a few clothes in a bag and waited for my friend Ken to pick me up. Of course, I had to grab my camera too.

Here’s a recap of the weekend:

Ken pulls up a little late. No worries, we still have plenty of time to make the three and a half hour drive. I put my bags in Ken’s truck and he explains that his air conditioning isn’t working. No problem, I was thinking. Usually I don’t mind the heat. I climb into Ken’s sweltering truck. Wow, it smells kind of funky in here I think to myself.

We drive to Ken’s house to pick up his dog Jasper. Jasper is a very sweet Samoyed who lost one eye due to pressure problems and whose hips are completely degenerative. Ken lifts Jasper into the truck. That explains the smell – it’s the dog. I think Ken sees my nose wrinkle up. My eyes are watering.

Ken explains, “Sorry, my dog has serious problems with his anal glands.”

This is Jasper

Even with both our windows down (recall there’s no air conditioning) Jasper’s ass permeates the truck.

Three and a half hours later we pull up to Ken’s cabin. He’s got a beautiful spot right on the lake. It’s dark out now and we walk up to the front door where there’s a cloud of mosquitoes and other bugs waiting to carry us away.

We walk in and Ken introduces me to his brother-in-law, Mike and his nephew, Shane. I should probably mention that the only air conditioning Ken’s cabin has is an in-window unit in his bedroom. It’s probably about 90 degrees out still even though the sun has gone down.

I head off to bed and try to get settled in. It’s way too hot for any sheets so I lay awake on my bed trying to get comfortable. I figure if I lay still enough I can cool down.

I can hear the whine of the mosquitoes. I feel a bite on my leg and a split second later I smack it. OK maybe the sheets aren’t such a bad idea.

I pull the sheet up over my body and start to dose off. I wake up to the sound of a mosquito in my ear. It wakes me up halfway and I smack myself hard in the head. OW!

I’m awake now. I turn the light on and grab a shirt. I turn the shirt into a mosquito-killing weapon and go on a rampage.

After I cleared out all the mosquitoes I go back to bed and drift off to sleep.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – thwap! I smack my head again.

OK. Now I’m hot and sweaty, covered in mosquito bites and I’ve been hitting my head and despite my best efforts to kill all the mosquitoes in the room I’m SOL. Finally I’m so tired that I fall asleep and wake up eight hours later covered in red dots.

The next morning after a nutritious breakfast of cinnamon rolls, we head out fishing. Mike tells me that they’re biting and that he’s already caught five. Ken, Shane and I go out on the lake to check things out.

None of us catch any fish – just lots of seaweed. But no worries, it’s not always about catching fish. And besides, the mosquitoes don’t come out on the lake.

After a great morning out on the lake we grill up some burgers and relax. I love food. Shane and I finish off the last of the burgers and decide that tubing would be an appropriate after-lunch activity. I also love swimming after I eat… just because you’re not supposed to.

This is Shane tubing.

Ken decides that we’ll catch more fish if Shane and I snorkel to find them. Shane and I quickly discovered that the reason we weren’t catching fish is because there weren’t any—however the visibility in the lake was decent for freshwater. About 20 feet down there is a thermocline, which is a sudden change in water temperature. The temperature will change from about 75 or so down to about 50. The warm water sits on the cold water like a layer.

Having a wetsuit on, I decided to see how far down I could actually get. The deepest part of this lake was just over 41 feet. Armed with my wetsuit, mask and flippers I jump in and start breathing to prepare for my dive.

I take in a deep breath several times. One last breath and I start diving down. Kicking hard I push deeper and deeper until I hit the thermocline and I can feel the freezing water around me. Diving without weights in a wetsuit is hard because (unlike me) wetsuits are buoyant. About 10 feet after the thermocline the urge to breath is unbearable from kicking so hard.

I start to ascend and the warm water above felt like a hot bath. I start to see stars. I picked a good time to resurface. I was thinking about making another attempt without the wetsuit, but 50-degree water without a wetsuit? Maybe next time.

Later that afternoon, Ken introduces me to his brother Robert and Robert’s wife Anne.

Robert and Anne live across the cul-de-sac from Ken. We walk over to their home and it is beautiful. Robert and Anne bought this cabin a few years ago in really rough shape. It only had a couple of windows, no flooring and no ceiling—in other words, pretty much just logs with a roof.

Now their cabin is fully finished with a beautiful open floor plan, tile flooring, tongue-in -groove woodwork, marble bathrooms, granite counter-tops and beautiful huge windows to show the amazing lake view.

The incredible thing is that Robert and Anne have done all this work themselves. They haven’t hired a single contractor or company to do any work on their house. Robert and Anne have done it all, from sawing holes in the logs (to make room for the new windows) to hand-finishing every board of woodwork in their home. Anne even purchased custom glass bowls and with Robert’s help, made their own custom pedestal sinks.

This is Robert and Anne’s cabin.

My favorite feature was the kitchen. Did I mention I love food? Really love food.

Now Ken brought 4 lobsters with him, one of which was 4 ½ pounds. And Shane explains that he doesn’t like lobster and that he’d rather eat hotdogs. It’s really amazing to me that anyone can eat a hotdog. It’s even more amazing when you get to eat more lobster because a 14-year-old kid opts to eat hotdogs instead. I’m not complaining.

This is Robert holding dinner.

Robert also grilled shrimp with some special blend of spices and they were phenomenal. Can you tell I was in heaven?

Our evening ended with an attempt at a bonfire. The reason I say attempt is because the mosquitoes came out. Numerous bites later we decided that the searing heat from the fire combined with the smoke wasn’t enough to keep the mosquitoes away.

posted in: guest musings,hilarity — @ 1:48 am

July 12th, 2005
update on the apartment….

The problem with the perfect dream house? It’s perfect for more than one person. 🙁

I just called to see about it, and it was rented to another woman—one with cancer, the lady made sure to note. Which, of course, I understand.

What I wanted to say was.. considering my genetic history, I’ll probably get cancer too! (How sick is that?)

So sad…

Update @ 4 PM: Fortunately, Dooce just published (and I’ve managed to drink half a bottle of wine at work….)

posted in: crapola — @ 2:31 pm

July 11th, 2005
it’s so hot the outsider is napping on the floor

Actually, it’s a combination of heat and the fact that we had a really late lunch… out on the deck of our favorite restaurant. But in all honesty, it’s unbelievably hot and muggy here today and that makes us very grumpy.

In other news, the guest is driving back from the lake and decided to try and text my email from his phone, which worked wonderfully… 20 times (so far). Apparently he’s roaming and his provider just won’t stop the texting. Here’s the question I have… does this mean he’s going to get charged for every single one of those? If so, we’re going to have to start a collection or something…

Update… 41 to the outsider and 23 to me… yikes!

Update… 10 PM: Just so everyone knows I’m not kidding about the damn heat.. it’s 83 damn degrees outside! At 10 PM! I am in hell.

posted in: hilarity — @ 4:29 pm
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