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August 26th, 2008
life lesson #1243

When blogging about your parents, be sure to add a note in there telling your sister (if a sibling reads your blog) to NOT CALL YOUR MOTHER LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

And in particular, to not tell said mother—when she asks where you heard about it—that you READ IT.

Seriously, my mother is so never talking to me again, lol.

posted in: hilarity,just don't — @ 12:30 pm

November 21st, 2006
missed connection: amtrak

You, girl on the train with her boyfriend (who was helping a nun with her suitcase).

Me, long-haired, bony-assed youngish dude with a beanie wearing jeans.

Your back was toward me when your hand slid up my leg and grabbed my ass, but I know you were only trying to be sly so your boyfriend (again, who was helping a nun) wouldn’t see.

Let’s get together and grope.

………..

I will never, ever live this down. EVER. I have never been so mortified. And the Chop thinks it’s hysterical. Kill me.

posted in: just don't — @ 11:19 pm

October 26th, 2006
grr

Annoying things your boyfriend shouldn’t do… buy your birthday presents, have them delivered a week early, WRAPPED, and then leave them in the middle of the living room floor. To taunt you.

Yeah.

Asshat.

posted in: just don't — @ 9:22 am

September 12th, 2006
and where am i?

So here’s something else to add to my “just don’t” file…

Don’t try to have two cell conversations, at the same time, while attempting to walk back to your car in an unfamiliar area.

Particularly if you’re in Cambridge (with roads designed by drunken Irishmen) and you’re tired and wearing heels.

I had to call the Porkchop and have him pull up a map… I was oh, say, around and about where I wanted to be, give or take 10 blocks. Erm. Yeah.
Yes, I realize you are laughing at me wendy, but it WASN’T MY FAULT.

posted in: just don't — @ 10:56 pm

August 3rd, 2006
heatstroke

It’s handy to have a friend who’s an EMT, someone who will know what to do in times of crisis… say, if you pass a car accident or the man at the next table is in cardiac arrest or, OR especially if you’re dumb and you stay in the sun too long in 98 degree weather.

Mmmhmmm.

So you walk back from the beach, feeling faint and hot and really nauseated and having trouble breathing and oof, dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. You make it as far as the yard, where your car is parked, but then you lay flat out on the ground and try to catch your breath. You hit the lock button on your car keys, hoping the beeping will make her come outside, to no avail. Fumbling for your cell, you send an SOS: “Outside… can’t move.. bring ice..”

Two minutes later…

“What the fuck?” and laughter. “I thought you were kidding. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” you respond. “I feel really sick and I can’t move.”

Looking closer, EMT friend says, “Shit. You’re brightass red. You need to come inside.”

Mumbling, you follow her in.

Whereupon you are placed on the bed in the bedroom with the air conditioner turned on “Arctic Blast.” Ice packs are applied to your neck and under your arms and a bag of crushed ice is put on your head.

“Heatstroke. What the fuck were you thinking?”

“Dunno. I went in the water! I was only out there for a couple of hours. I feel hot.”

“Well yeah,” she laughs. “Shit. Your body temperature was too high. We have to lower it.”

“What would have happened if it just kept rising?” you stupidly inquire.

“You die you dork. Why do you think people die in locked cars in hot weather?”

Mmmhmmm.

Word to the wise: if it’s 98 degrees outside, just don’t stay in the sun too long. You might get heatstroke, even if you’re in the water.

And it’s really not much fun at all.

Oh, and have a friend who’s an EMT who lives near the beach.

That’s key too.

posted in: just don't — @ 6:02 pm

June 15th, 2006
just don’t

I’m thinking about having a category called “Just don’t.” As in, the opposite of “Just do it.”

The first post?

Just don’t attempt to unclog a sink with a plunger… ::coughparticularlywiththestopperstillinthesink,stoppingtheholecoughcough::.

Yeah… it doesn’t work too well.

And then you end up breaking a butter knife, chipping a nail and being late to work while attempting to yank the stopper out of the hole without actually ever touching the water that’s in the sink. Or splashing it.

Erm…

So yeah, new category. :)

posted in: just don't — @ 11:12 am