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June 29th, 2005
To be Metro or not to be Metro?

The insider tells me I’m metro.

Rather jumping straight into denial I decided to do some personal reflection. First up in my toolbox is has no less than 125 definitions for “Metrosexual.” Here’s the definition with the highest approval rating:

1. metrosexual
A straight man who embraces the homosexual lifestyle, i.e. refined tastes in clothing, excessive use of designer hygiene products, etc. Usually is on the brink of homosexuality.
Mike has become a metrosexual after shaving off his stubble and using expensive skin products to soften his cherubic facial features.
Source: Anonymous, Feb 14, 2004

Well, let’s walk through this one. Do I embrace the homosexual lifestyle? To all you gay guys out their let me set the record straight. I think you are great, most of you are funny as hell and us straight guys could probably learn a lot from you.

To the gay guy at Burger King who used to give me free food – “thank you.” No straight man in his right mind would have fed this poor college student so well. To be honest, I didn’t really want to hear about how you had finally gotten laid but I figured it was a fair trade for the cheeseburgers. Hey, you’re a nice guy and I did tell you I was straight.

And my taste in clothes you ask? My wife buys most of my clothes. Which is great because I don’t really like shopping for clothes with one exception. I like picking out dress clothes such as suits and ties. In the business world you have to dress for success. So while I’m home jeans and t-shirts all the way. But when meeting with clients I like to dress nice. This includes shoes and I always give them a fresh shine before I travel.

What about my grooming habits? Lets see. I take really long showers because I wash at least 3 times. I brushed my teeth twice this morning just to be sure. Then I rinsed with hydrogen peroxide because it kills everything in your mouth. I finished off with mouthwash to get rid of the peroxide taste. I’m freaking out because I didn’t have time to floss. (At least I have a Sonicare – I love my Sonicare toothbrush).

What about my hair? Well first, I don’t go to a salon anymore, but I used to. I started going there before I was married because Brandi (my “stylist”) was really cute. She used to take extra time when she would wash my hair and massage my scalp. But 30 bucks for a hair cut finally wore on my frugal spirit.

Now I go to the Regency school where students experiment on daring people like myself. It’s hair. It’ll grow back. They haven’t screwed it up yet. It’s $8!

What about hair products? I do use products in my hair – typically gel. I usually use whatever my wife has happened to buy. In a pinch when I’m travelling Crew products are usually a safe bet.

Hair spray frightens me. My wife uses a lot of hair spray. Somehow she manages to get more on the bathroom wall then on her hair. I once accidentally backed into the wall after I got out of the shower. I stuck to the wall like a fly on fly tape. To my wife’s credit, her hair looks really nice.

Lotion also freaks me out. My wife uses lotion. A LOT of lotion. I once went to give her a hug and she slid out of my arms. She’ll put lotion on her hands and then it gets on me. It’s slimy and I don’t like it. It smells flowery. She drives my car sometimes. The next time I drive my car, holding on to the steering wheel is an adventure. I do not use skin products. I do not like skin products. Soap – it works.

What about shaving? I don’t like shaving. I shave at most every other day. Sometimes once a week. It depends. I don’t particularly like having a beard either. It’s itchy. My brother has a beard. Everytime I see a cheerio embedded in his facial hair it kind of disturbs me.

I do wear cologne. Curve and Very Valentino are two of my favorites. If I had to choose between being metro and smelling bad I’d take the former. I do not however like smelling like a girl. When my wife uses no less than three sprays of perfume and I accidentally walk through the cloud I don’t enjoy smelling like flowers, lavender, honeysuckle, fairyblossoms and whatever other stuff they put on there. It smells fine on her but not on me!

Finally, am I on the verge of being a homosexual?

I’m sorry to disappoint the gay male population but no.

So am I a metrosexual? You decide – it doesn’t really matter to me.

posted in: guest musings — @ 10:34 am

1 Comment »

  1. The insider might be… wait for it.. yes, wrong. *duck*

    OK, the world has not imploded, and the sky is not falling. ;)

    Reviewing the stats, the insider feels that perhaps the guest is not metro, but just a really clean, nice guy—an abnormal guy (just because, who wants to be normal?!).

    And fairyblossoms? Really? I think you have to special order that from France or something.

    Oh, and I will never look at a Cheerio again in the same way. lol

    Comment by the insider — Wednesday.June.29.2005 @ 10:52 am

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